not too great

its been quite a while since i blogged i think i cant even rmb what my last post was abt.

today one of my closest friend invited me to follow his private ig WHICH I HAD NO IDEA EXISTED. cant say im thrilled abt being kept in the dark for so long tsk and its only now ive finally earned it??? WHAT THE HECK but nonetheless im glad at least he invited me eventually.

this friend had always inspired me to be a better person. not the kind of tell me what i should do and what i shouldnt but really by pure example. this little peek in his life id like to share some things that keeps me thinking for a while; some bittersweet things –

“people say, ‘what are you depressed abt? you can buy anything you want.’ i wish everyone in the world was rich so the would realise money isn’t everything.”
-says jim carrey

i hv to admit that sometimes i dont understand why celebrities abuse drugs, hurt themselves, commit sucide because so many people wanna be them and love them even more than they love themselves. i think i might never understand because i wont ever reach that level of being so self fulfilling materialistically. with this new source of income i have ive been spending money like water…and all i can think abt is how im gonna spend my pay when it comes in. suddenly spending 100 bucks on a night out having fun seems ok, treating ppl who hasnt started work yet seems like the right thing to do, rounding off the cents when i collect payment seems like a nice gesture i can afford.

ive always envied my peers born with a silver spoon…big house which you can just call whoever to come hang, having a room u can call your own and deco to your hearts content and have some privacy perhaps, shopping without looking at the price tag, having a car to drive whenever esp since i kindda like driving, really just having whatever you want without even having to work for it… since young ive slogged my ass off, work part time during holidays because i wanna travel, and even during my last ever holiday as a student i was taking 3 jobs because i didnt wanna take money from my parents but i want to travel…i was tired, i had to put up with annoying aunties, endure awkward convos with peers at work, i just wanted to give up so many times but i held on and went back time and time again just so i could earn that few hundred dollars. even now with my own income i still dont have the liberty to spend like the rich kids – theres always something to be saving for. house, car, dance, guitar, investment and the list goes on. ill never know how it feels like to not be guilty aft spending unnecessary money. i hate this. this is not what they promised me. i worked hard for the day i could have a good life but when is that gonna come. i still have to give tuition…

this friend also posted a photo of his ex gf on her graduation, saying how happy he is for her that she has found someone else and that he’ll never forget how much she impacted his life. it made me tear. not sure if its because how sweet this whole gesture is, or because how vastly different my ex bf is from my friend. ive loved him so much and given so much to him but here he is now moving on fine and never thinking abt me. ide need him to think of me like he wants me back, just the way my friend thinks abt his ex gf – wishing her well, acknowledging that she will always been a part of him; but nah it was like i never existed, deleting me off ig, never bothering to wish me anything like graduation, or birthdays anymore. its not fair. my whole world turned upside down after the breakup but it was like we never happened at all for him, and i never did anything wrong, i wasnt the one who walked away knowing full well that the other party was dying.

up till today i still cant bring myself to let it go. i know everyone keeps saying that i should but u think so easy ah. i also know that it only hurts myself but i cant take this lying down. everytime i think ive let go i ask myself ok are you ready to be friends again, then i realised, nah i cant HAHA. and it doesnt help that being friends again brings no additional benefit to me, like not someone i need to go to for help so, i think i still need some time. but thats not even impt. im not sure if its linked but im more worried abt how i view relationship now. “i dont believe he has never cheated before.” “he just thinks im pretty, how much does he actually know abt me.” i try my best not to have anything real with anyone, i mean sure i play around but i get scared when they try to follow me on ig or text me LOL. man i wasnt serious last night plz dont try to get to know me better or whatever. and when i do actually kindda like someone i run away and try to not talk to him (unless he talks to me) as much as possible in case i really get too involved. haha if u look at my chats those that i dont need to reply one like statements, ill just not reply so i can end the convo. and if i keep talking we’re gonna run out of things to say eventually and then gonna be so awkward again right…….plus anyway the ppl im attracted to are usually fked up ppl so nothing will come out of it anyways.

one of the things that keeps me going now is dance i guess. the journey from woodlands to somerset is damn deterring la ofc and i have to run to class zzzz. 1h travel time for 1h of class argh im gonna go for sat classes more often. still very much in limbo i wish i could learn faster improve faster and be a good dance faster. looking frward to dnd because itll be the first time im going on stage to dance WOOHOO ive done emceeing acting, singing bt just not dance and thats gonna change in a few months time. just keep dancing stop thinking xm!!!!

heres a little reward for my loyal readers hehe i dont even put on ig because DAMN not good enough but here it is for you!!!

and hopefully by dnd we can be this

seriously cant stop watching them and im hoping we can do this for our dance item in nov LEGGOOOOO

new phase of life (for real)

with work starting in 2 weeks –

i think im feeling a little lost.

i mean i am super excited abt starting work, and if you know me ive been going non stop abt how everything else in life will come to an end and i will focus on work and plunge head-first but i think its an excuse to run away from my life and try to start afresh on a clean slate

ive been trying to stay off ig as much as possible. i think im becoming too much like a basic bitch and i do nt want to get judged. like “this person’s ig also nt interesting she post so much for what. im just gonna skip it” is this normal???

my thoughts are all over the place sigh

how it feels like to have your shit tgt again

I have been meaning to sit down and blog but i havent got the time to do so and today im finally determined enough haha.

so major update – i got a job!!

ive actually been struggling with (self diagnosed) mild depression in the earlier part of the year. self diagnosed because i never got the courage to talk to the counsellor. I made like 2 appointments but i chickened out at the last minute both times because they said they wanna call me and get an overview of the situation before arranging a f2f session and that scared me because idk how to describe the situation and i just wanted to like talk freely cause idk what the problem is??? but i do get suicidal thoughts and i just burst into tears for no apparent reason and i cry in the shower and shit and generally i just feel depressed almost all the time when im alone and sometimes when im in a small group too.

on hindsight i think i was feeling that way because i saw no light in my future…a huge part of the reason was the inability to find a job and although it was normal for most ppl at that point in time, my social circle was giving me a lot of pressure because jobs was all they could talk about and i get a lot of “have you found a job?” questions as a convo starter. i also received rejections from companies i really wanted like nestle and i put it so much effort preparing for the presentation i just didnt even know what went wrong. this was coupled with the fact that i found out for real my ex bf cheated on me and went to his friend saying “hey! lucky she believe me” “you better treat her well sia” “eh come on it was a white lie” i guess a part of me genuinely believed he wouldnt do that in spite of what my friends tell me because i thought i knew him better than they did but…jokes on me i guess. i think the worst part is that he was unrepentant on it even after i confronted him abt it saying at least i deserve to know the truth but yet more denial and avoiding of the actual issue. and then also my grandpa was diagnosed with last stage cancer and i know how much it would affect my mum but yet i didnt have to courage to tell her how much i care abt her in that tough period and i felt so helpless. that period was also the time when i got played by this douchebag and im not sure how much details i gave in my previous blog posts but like for the first time after the breakup i could see a future with him because he probably manipulated me into thinking that way. he would act really serious abt me and in fact he even asked me into a real relationship like dating dating (which i said no at that point in time because i wanted to be sure and i wasnt that into him yet), and he also has some dark issues and he made me believe i could be the one to “save” him etc etc so i invested a lot but one day he just disappeared on me. it started out with him missing a date without even telling me and i really did feel like such an idiot…

(wow this post damn juicy sia)

so putting it altogether i felt like my life was just bleak with no prospects and i was never going to be happy. it was like i will exist to repay my parents and after they are gone i was prepared to end my life too. i didnt see a good career which i will enjoy and i worry about how i will make my parents proud, i thought no one would never love me again and i think abt spending life all alone in the days to come, and you know just really toxic thoughts.

how did i walk out of it? hmm idk how it happened but i know securing a job really helped. but i know i was alr feeling better even before the offer. now im trying to look at my organiser and thinking of what i did….i actually didnt go out with people much so it definitely wasnt that. my days were filled with hall prod rehearsals and jam band pracs and i think that helped me. a bit of the numb yourself with work so you dont think so much but i think it was more of subconsciously doing things that were of value and being productive. i was lucky enough to be the main lead for the hall prod and also the lead singer for the band and i knew i had to deliver to carry the team. i think the whole idea of empowerment was there and subconsciously i started to love myself more and i would feel so happy when i sang well or acted well on a particular day. come to think of it maybe thats what i needed. i needed to praise myself more and be less hard on myself. thats what kh said too HAHA he knew i was struggling with depression cause i talk to him abt it and tbh he can see it la i see him so often and he can always tell when i am out of sorts. i rmb he saw my insta story about buying cat food for the cat and he came to praise me and said i should start small and start praising myself for little things like that. i rmb him praising me for every little thing i did for the week until it becomes ridiculously funny LOLOL. i know youll never see this khoonz but thank you for being the big brother i never had <3

i didnt even realise i was feeling better until i got the job offer. i was like yes!!!! one thing off my list and i realised i dont have a list anymore. all the concerns abv ^ just doesnt seem to exist and bother me anymore.

so ive got a job. / my grandpa eventually passed away a few weeks ago and my mum went for the funeral and im glad she came back alright and that we managed to spend some quality time with him before that. ive tried subtly showing concern but saying that its part and parcel of life and i called her to check on her and coordinated the tickets and all that and now its back to normal life. / i accepted the fact abt hubert and moved on because after all what can i do abt it right. / ive come to love myself more and tbh actually start to believe im not that unloveable HAHAHA its just that im always attracted to the guys i cant have and i really really REALLY need to stop with this bad boys obsession and actually start giving nice guys a chance. as khoonz says it, “if a guy doesnt impress you on a first date, then you dont give chance alr. but the ppl who knows how to impress you are usually the super smooth and experienced who are most likely to break your heart” WOW WISE WORDS AND ALSO VERY TRUE. ive also stopped tindering because its not very healthy for me…i used to think its damn healthy cause all these compliments i keep getting makes me very happy (LOL) maybe one day ill share my funny tinder stories here if yall want but ya see damn fked up to derive my self worth from other ppl’s compliments. i must be the only one who feeds off such things from fking tinder and still see it as “healthy for my self esteem”

life is going well now and i genuinely feel happy and excited for the future. maybe im gonna spend it alone with 9 cats but at least i know i never settled for anything less than what makes me truly happy. i wish all my friends and family dont ever have to go through what i felt but if you ever need someone to talk to pls know that im here ((((: it did take me quite a bit of courage to share abt something so personal with so much details here but i think its important to pen down my thought process in case anyone can relate to any personal issues and kind of have a fresh perspective on how to tackle it. i was lucky enough to walk out of it myself with the help of a few friends but who knew what it could have escalated to if i didnt manage to????? i also want to come back and read it when i face any roadblocks in the future because HEY THIS GIRL HERE CAN DO ANYTHING ((((: and dont you forget that

 

ending off with some funny pics from hall prod!!! i thought i made the wrong choice joining during the process but now when i look back im so glad i did if not ill always think abt what i could have JUST LIKE THAT FRISBEE GAME I MISSED ARGH SERIOUSLY…

28954200_1583293728386644_5066954054677655791_o28954534_1583295635053120_2321486203989431726_o

revelations abt meself

recently ive had some real talks and realised certain SHOCKING things abt myself.

so ive got this really presentation heavy class whereby every week theres one group presentation. at the end of every ppt we need to do this survey to grade the group. on one occasion i was being quieter than usual so i didnt talk as much as i usually do, but one of my group mates asked me “so what do you feel abt this group”. then i realised he always ask me for my opinion and likes to discuss the topics with me. so i asked him, “do you value my views a lot” and he said “ya?!” without hesitation. and when i asked why?! he said “cause youre very critical”

…..

OKAY?!

honestly i never knew that is how people would describe me. i generally thought i was still quite nice?? like i like to disiao my friends and say sarcastic things but to new friends i still got try to filter a bit??? and i know i q bitchy la like to gossip but im not the kind who makes up untrue things and not like a person for no reason.

by describing me as critical i just feel like im becoming someone who sees people’s bad more than their good and idw to be that kind of person?! but have i become that kind of person?! my group mates later tried to justify that its a good thing like some intellectual shit but i dont want to be a brainy bitch tq. ofc i didnt tell them that la i just smiled and said ok LOL

then i forgot abt it until 1 week later when kh had a real talk with me abt why “guys dont approach me” but excuse me what makes you think i nobody jio GOT HOR DONT ANYHOW I JUST DONT LIKE ONLY HAHAHAH. but ya apparently he has been thinking abt it for a while and he finally managed to put it in words.

“you talk to people like youre above them”

WHUUUUT. I DO?!

“like when during group discussions when people share their ideas, you will frown and question “but havent you considered blahblah” like theyre stupid like that.”

GOT SO BAD MEH?!?!

“you very cynical lor, maybe biz sol (my case club) has trained you to always put on business thinking cap and question people but it makes you very unapproachable.”

“i see parts of hubert in you”

OMG YOU ARE RIGHT HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN CRITICAL OF EVERYTHING.

“you didnt use to be like that. i think life has been you very cynical.”

SIGH. i think hes right. eversince the breakup ive taken a mentality of i-am-not-gonna-take-anyones-shit. and coupled with all the bad experiences i just feel very jaded abt life like why are people like that and i think consequently i start to disregard the feelings of those around me and project my pessimistic outlook on everything even their hard work!?!?

i dont want to be this kind of person ): i wanna go back to my happy go lucky self where people laugh at me, and bring joy to people around me instead of a ball of negative energy??

kh has tried training me. so all my “hmm thats true” when i listen to people have to be changed to “ohya youre right hor!!” and basically changing my manner of speech to be more peer to peer WHICH IS SO DAMN HARD. so everytime he catches me emitting my high and mighty vibe in a group setting again he will knock on the table subtly LOLOLOL. so far he did it once and i just burst out laughing HAHAHA NOT WORKING TOO WELL. but its damn tiring?? i cant say anything that comes to my mind first. need to rephrase and make myself sound like a clown in my head before expressing myself. its not that im complaining tho. i had no idea i might have sounded dismissive during group work towards my group mates and i dont want to hurt anyones feelings!!!!

my biggest weakness

zz used to say he loved how i can strike a conversation with anyone, how i keep all of my friends close. its like i have many friends but at the same time they are close to me too.

he says its because i invest in people. he wonders where i got the energy to care about so many people around me.

he sees it as a strength. a huge strength in which he wishes he has too.

my prof tells me the same thing. that concern for people. its my strength.

people like to tell me everything. even usually introverted and private people. somehow i have this amazing ability to build rapport with almost anyone. i think it stemmed from a genuine concern for them, or maybe im just a good listener and a good conversationalist at the same time.

but as i become older, i start to think its becoming more and more like a weakness.

i am very emotionally vested in people. i get close to people within a short time and esp when it comes to “love”,  i love whole heartedly. which is why its always so painful for me when i get played.

friends are alright. i dont usually get betrayed by friends but i think thats mainly due to the environment we’re in. no office politics so i dont get that trouble much. but when it comes to guys, i thought i would learn by now but i dont LOL fk me. just say the right words when im vulnerable, make me feel safe and protected and valued and then thats it. i thought everyone’s like me. you know genuinely only say the things you mean. but thats not true!!!!! but yet i always believe what everyone says!!!!!

i want to work on this. i think its my greatest weakness – prone to manipulation by emotions. i wish i would care less abt people and keep my guard up. but i think its precisely because i let my guard down, people also tend to let their guard down around me.

so what can i do abt it?

hm for starters maybe i should write a mantra on my desk – DO NOT CARE TOO MUCH ABT OTHER PEOPLE. MOST OF THEM ARE DOUCHEBAGS ACTUALLY.

and maybe remind myself that i always exaggerate things and this too shall pass. no one will ever have the ability to impact your life so greatly. right now it might hurt a little but then just 1 week, ONE WEEK, it wont feel like anything. i just have to be patient. tell myself emotions are fleeting.

post indo reflection

i hv no idea why people still read my blog and honestly i feel very bad about updating so infrequently and at such rdm times that you have to check back and then be disappointed abt the waste of effort only to have the whole cycle repeats itself a few days/weeks later?? IM SO SORRY AND IM SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU CARE ABT ME DESPITE YOUR BUSY SCHEDULE.

this time i went to indo hoping to get a grip on my myself because this acquaintance of mine has been playing me like mad and its like i have no control over my emotions and i just keep falling for the same tricks over and over again and i was so angry at myself for letting him do that to me. right before i left i actually texted kg saying

Capture

trust me i would love to expose this jerk but nah i not so bad hahahah there are consequences when i drag people into this BUT point being, i just wanted to love myself more

unfortunately this trip was hectic af and i didnt get to stop and think as much as i wanted to but it sure opened up my eyes to a world much bigger than mine and i realised, fk it. im done wasting time on this. so i guess, mission success???

these are some of my fav shots which i dare not upload to insta cause posey af but lucky you you get to see it!!

photo6201484492963686424

some BTS of how retarded and touristy we actually look…and mind you its a temple leh. i feel a bit bad that im being disrespectful at such a holy place

photo6201484492963686420

one of the funniest things that happened is the amt of people who asked for a photograph?!?! i think its a thing there that the locals like to take photos with tourists. but this is a UNESCO heritage site leh arent there a lot of tourists?? but anyways this is me trying to chase them away after taking the photos CAUSE I WANT THIS SPOT. thanks yh for capturing this moment i look like im waving to my fans LOL but i was actually pretty annoyed after a while cause THEY JUST KEEP COMING?? imagine EACH of them here taking a selfie w you like whut?! and this is only a fraction of them captured on the camera

WHICH EDIT DO YOU LIKE BETTER? terry did the first one and i did the second and i like the 2nd pic better cause more candid and it looked like im having fun compared to the first?? but he liked the first one cause “the hand so awkward” he says.

im actually a bit hesitant to use his name here because i accidentally revealed to him that i have a wordpress and he has been trying to find this blog since then mygawd. i have to say hes pretty smart and has been googling things i would most likely write about like “bkk trip” “cac camp” “helios” but hes not that smart to google names yet because these keywords are so generic but people’s names are not you know. esp if they are chinese names. IM GONNA USE ACRONYMS FROM NOW ON.

on the way back to sg i was sitting with lw and terry and out of the 2 of them, 1 of them has a travel website (thecastienco.com) –> GO VISIT AND SUPPORT!!! and another is bringing in her own fashion label (adm fking useful sia?! she has been doing freelance designing since she was a student and on top of that she also sells her art stuff in flea market booths…what can i do as a business student…$800 internship lor) and as they talk passionately abt their future plans, i realised…wtf am i doing??

academically i do better than either of them and in fact my results from As is probably like that top 15% of the cohort and i was so proud of myself back then but….. here i am perpetually feeling sad abt my life and my lack of accomplishments and fulfillment. where did it all go wrong?? even when i was in a 3 year long relationship back then i dont think i was truly happy. sure i think i made myself believe that i had everything i needed but there was no one thing that gave purpose to my life or that i really wanted it to succeed. i used to laugh at hubert’s willingness to get trapped in that little life called “hall” and thought i was doing bigger things for the entire sch but then year after year when the project ends i took away nothing as well. that made me no diff from him. sure the scale of the project is bigger and looks better on my resume but what happens after? i let it die once its over anyways. no history made, back to square one.

i wish i made better use of my time as a uni student. there was so much i could do. go for open auditions, casting call for campaign shoots, sing in a pub, tried water colouring, volunteered at a cooking drive, picked up dancing earlier, learnt coding, worked out more, worked on my strengths and talk to more people…and honestly when i look back i thought, wtf was i doing?! i didnt hang out with my og much, not too much w my rv friends as well. weekdays were for club activities like impre, and maybe case (but case was a good decision but even so i only went once in y2 to nz so i didnt spend time in case afterwards and i stopped hanging w my case club people as a result – so mostly cac i guess??) and then weekends was for bf i guess?? i cant believe i let 3 years of uni slipped past me like that THREE FUCKING YEARS and the worst part is i rmb none of that argh.  i did learn a few lessons here and there ofc but i could have been so much more…

alright i know no pt crying over spilled milk so im gonna stop being angst. this final year ive been trying to make the best out of it by trying out all kinds of rdm things and i do feel more fulfilled but i think i can only say for sure after results come out…ive been playing so much (all in the name of “last year last chance”) that im damn scared ill flunk AND I CANNOT AFFORD TO. maybe ill check back in after results release day.

anyways after that airplane talk ive decided i want to seriously get my shit tgt. sure the previous sem was all fun and games and its good but 2018 i want to have fun and games not at the expense of myself. if my friends can make it, i can do it too right?!

here are some of the stuff ive done/planning and you can tell how serious i am (for now):

  1. cleaned my table, cleared out trash and unusable pens and stuff
  2. quit hall aft march when frisbee, jam band, hall prod’s over
  3. considering to join a startup
  4. bought all watercolouring materials
  5. made a solemn promise to never jio anyone out for drinks again (but they can still jio me la, fair enough right)
  6. signed up for banquet job all alone and part time trainer as well (31st dec 5pm-4am hor THIS IS HOW U SPELL DEDICATION)
  7. signed up for a casting call for waltertan’s campaign shoot (thats why ive been trying to post more photos of myself but wtf the peek a boo photo only for 70 likes WHUT?! i thought quite cute but i guess i was wrong?? pls help to comment and like my photos pls pls pls so waltertan will notice and pls pick me)

ill come up with some new year resolutions soon and i truly believe that “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail” so ill come up with some concrete plans on how to achieve them along w it.

till then, happy boxing day guys!!! i hope 2018 will be better for everyone and rmb to keep pushing and be a better you everyday!!

 

 

everything is in a mess

everything is in a mess. idk when it started, how it escalated. is this all a snowball from the breakup or did i always have it in me?

ok i know you have no idea what im talking abt and it irks me when i read stuff like that like wtf you want ppl to ask you what you writing abt is it? or you like to be secretive? at the end of the day its not just engaging for the readers and i guess you actually continue reading this blog because i literally bare my soul (as much as possible) and perhaps you might even know me better than some of the people i see every day in school because all these are really 101% brutal honesty. my breakups, my stress, my emotions, my thought process. all in one place.

but today im afraid ive got to be one of those irritating people. ive been a pretty bad girl the past few months and i thought i could continue to play but then its starting to hurt more than it is fun. isnt this supposed to be a phase thing? but my phase only last 5 months ah hahaha. im just a bit worried that its a bit late to pull myself out now but i should try. because of a series of unfortunate events, my physical health, my self esteem, my moral compasses, my dignity have taken a toll and rn, i just want out of this drama and roller coaster and focus on more positive things?

i know every single of you reading this probably knows how much ive been drinking and partying but you know thats the one thing that really makes me happy. that giggly high and perfect excuse to forget abt job searching/gpa/all the people who have did you wrong for that one night. its an amazing feeling. do i really have that much to run away from ah…i am so weak!!!! there are people going through worst shit than me but all i can do is run away?! ok lah to be fair i dont actually run away because i still face them when im sober and try to do something about it but i just need a break you know. why is it that ive never felt so tired and worn out in the past? did something change along the way?

maybe its because

  1.  i got to know more party friends now
  2. reality of job searching only strikes in the final year
  3. im a lot more free now so i let my thoughts run wild
  4. im not used to having no one to shower me with affection after 3 years of enjoying it?

right i guess i will never actually know. but i know one thing for sure and thats that i need a break from this drama for now. and im so sick of pretending to be good girl around my friends and pretending im not a mess and for good reasons. not because i enjoy living this double life shit but I KNOW MY FRIENDS WILL JUDGE ME. but how do i go abt pulling away?

  1. exercise so much that you feel tired everyday so you dont have energy to think abt anything else
  2. start a gratitude journal
  3. hang out with more positive people who somehow sees light in everything (TEACH ME SENPAI)
  4. decorate a nice “SEIZE THE DAY” poster and hang it up on my wall

if you have any ideas you can let me know :)

help lah i will try but im not sure if i will succeed