its been quite a while since i blogged i think i cant even rmb what my last post was abt.
today one of my closest friend invited me to follow his private ig WHICH I HAD NO IDEA EXISTED. cant say im thrilled abt being kept in the dark for so long tsk and its only now ive finally earned it??? WHAT THE HECK but nonetheless im glad at least he invited me eventually.
this friend had always inspired me to be a better person. not the kind of tell me what i should do and what i shouldnt but really by pure example. this little peek in his life id like to share some things that keeps me thinking for a while; some bittersweet things –
“people say, ‘what are you depressed abt? you can buy anything you want.’ i wish everyone in the world was rich so the would realise money isn’t everything.”
-says jim carrey
i hv to admit that sometimes i dont understand why celebrities abuse drugs, hurt themselves, commit sucide because so many people wanna be them and love them even more than they love themselves. i think i might never understand because i wont ever reach that level of being so self fulfilling materialistically. with this new source of income i have ive been spending money like water…and all i can think abt is how im gonna spend my pay when it comes in. suddenly spending 100 bucks on a night out having fun seems ok, treating ppl who hasnt started work yet seems like the right thing to do, rounding off the cents when i collect payment seems like a nice gesture i can afford.
ive always envied my peers born with a silver spoon…big house which you can just call whoever to come hang, having a room u can call your own and deco to your hearts content and have some privacy perhaps, shopping without looking at the price tag, having a car to drive whenever esp since i kindda like driving, really just having whatever you want without even having to work for it… since young ive slogged my ass off, work part time during holidays because i wanna travel, and even during my last ever holiday as a student i was taking 3 jobs because i didnt wanna take money from my parents but i want to travel…i was tired, i had to put up with annoying aunties, endure awkward convos with peers at work, i just wanted to give up so many times but i held on and went back time and time again just so i could earn that few hundred dollars. even now with my own income i still dont have the liberty to spend like the rich kids – theres always something to be saving for. house, car, dance, guitar, investment and the list goes on. ill never know how it feels like to not be guilty aft spending unnecessary money. i hate this. this is not what they promised me. i worked hard for the day i could have a good life but when is that gonna come. i still have to give tuition…
this friend also posted a photo of his ex gf on her graduation, saying how happy he is for her that she has found someone else and that he’ll never forget how much she impacted his life. it made me tear. not sure if its because how sweet this whole gesture is, or because how vastly different my ex bf is from my friend. ive loved him so much and given so much to him but here he is now moving on fine and never thinking abt me. ide need him to think of me like he wants me back, just the way my friend thinks abt his ex gf – wishing her well, acknowledging that she will always been a part of him; but nah it was like i never existed, deleting me off ig, never bothering to wish me anything like graduation, or birthdays anymore. its not fair. my whole world turned upside down after the breakup but it was like we never happened at all for him, and i never did anything wrong, i wasnt the one who walked away knowing full well that the other party was dying.
up till today i still cant bring myself to let it go. i know everyone keeps saying that i should but u think so easy ah. i also know that it only hurts myself but i cant take this lying down. everytime i think ive let go i ask myself ok are you ready to be friends again, then i realised, nah i cant HAHA. and it doesnt help that being friends again brings no additional benefit to me, like not someone i need to go to for help so, i think i still need some time. but thats not even impt. im not sure if its linked but im more worried abt how i view relationship now. “i dont believe he has never cheated before.” “he just thinks im pretty, how much does he actually know abt me.” i try my best not to have anything real with anyone, i mean sure i play around but i get scared when they try to follow me on ig or text me LOL. man i wasnt serious last night plz dont try to get to know me better or whatever. and when i do actually kindda like someone i run away and try to not talk to him (unless he talks to me) as much as possible in case i really get too involved. haha if u look at my chats those that i dont need to reply one like statements, ill just not reply so i can end the convo. and if i keep talking we’re gonna run out of things to say eventually and then gonna be so awkward again right…….plus anyway the ppl im attracted to are usually fked up ppl so nothing will come out of it anyways.
one of the things that keeps me going now is dance i guess. the journey from woodlands to somerset is damn deterring la ofc and i have to run to class zzzz. 1h travel time for 1h of class argh im gonna go for sat classes more often. still very much in limbo i wish i could learn faster improve faster and be a good dance faster. looking frward to dnd because itll be the first time im going on stage to dance WOOHOO ive done emceeing acting, singing bt just not dance and thats gonna change in a few months time. just keep dancing stop thinking xm!!!!
heres a little reward for my loyal readers hehe i dont even put on ig because DAMN not good enough but here it is for you!!!
and hopefully by dnd we can be this
seriously cant stop watching them and im hoping we can do this for our dance item in nov LEGGOOOOO